1. Make a large cup of coffee and crack open a Red Bull – its party planning time!
2. First up, find a date everyone can make. Send ‘to all’ e-mail with a closing image of a cat wearing a party hat so they’ll reply.
3. Chase up basically everyone with a sterner, non-image based e-mail. Use red text sparingly.
4. Chase up everyone with shouting. Use red text excessively.
5. Okay, work out the best date that the fewest amount of employees will be annoyed with.
6. Now on to find a venue – time to open up 1000 tabs.
7. Hmm, okay this one looks like a winner. Easy for people to get to, nice food and the place itself? Painfully beautiful. Enquire!
8. OVER BUDGET. DENIED.
9. Close tab.
10. Oh okay… maybe this venue? Enquire!
12. THE MD DOESN’T LIKE THE ‘UNDER THE SEA’ THEME. DENIED.
13. Close tab.
14. Toilet break.
15. Shall we just do it in the office then? Buy decorations and all that…
16. *Looks at nice clean OCD desk and imagines it littered with drinks, the keyboard glazed with some sort of chutney. Crumbs everywhere…*
17. Hmm maybe not. Oh this venue looks nice!
18. Pervy Pete appears and is asking about staying overnight.
19. The venue is a hotel with overnight rooms.
20. Close tab.
21. Look out of the window for a second and breathe. Slowly.
22. Re-asses most of the other options you’ve opened up and close a good 20 tabs.
23. Finally find THE VENUE. Not too expensive. Not too far. No underwater theme… No real theme actually which is odd as this was apparently ‘the year’ for a theme. Traditional festive it is.
24. Now to pitch it to the MD again.
25. Toilet break to prolong speaking to the MD.
26. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms spaghetti.
27. Knock knock.
28. Pitch it to the boss. Emphasis on the low price in comparison to others. The lack of underwater theme. The food and how it’ll suit everyone down to the ground.
30. …no under water theme. Good. Because who wants to have mermaids serving us salmon meals? It’s weird…
33. YES. It’s got sign off. Now get out there before you get asked to do anything.
34. Get asked to do something.
35. Return to desk after 2 hours of doing that ‘something’.
36. Book it.
37. Now to table arrangements and this is EASY. As far away from Pervy Pete as possible – actually, let’s stick Snobby Samantha by him. That’ll teach her. Plus I can’t stick myself right next to Ruth, that’s too obvious. The table behind though… smart.
38. Spend the rest of your day/life until the party finding something to wear.
39. Have a breakdown in 5 different shops.
40. Find something you’re approximately 64.60% happy to wear.
41. Party is in two days.
42. Inevitably fall horribly ill the night before said party.
43. Be unable to attend the party you so painstakingly planned because you feel like carpet that’s been puked on and microwaved.
44. Regret removing tags from dress.
45. Watch The Devil Wears Prada in bed.
46. Turn on Facebook to see Snobby Samantha in a photo looking decidedly unhappy next to Pervy Pete.
47. Bask in the Silver Lining.